equinepalette

Hi everyone, and welcome to “The Story of EquinePalette’s Life: 2020 Edition”!

I’ve spent the last several months working with different medications and dosages to try and manage my postpartum depression and ADHD, but I’m happy to report that while I’m not where I’d like to have been by now, I’ve finally found what seems to be an effective regiment that I can use while breastfeeding and my mental health is on an incline for the first time in years.

Over the few months as I’ve piddled with medications, I’ve also been slowly learning how to function appropriately in adult life for the first time. It’s taken many attempts of trying different combinations of adult responsibilities, and learning from the resulting train-wrecks in one area or another, to find the true “rock bottom” of what I could handle in my current state. (Which, turns out, was little more than surviving, keeping my baby alive, doing the bare minimum to not get fired, and making sure I clean underwear for the next few days. Seriously.) But, since finding my baseline, I have very slowly been adding more to my plate, careful to make SURE I could manage daily life each time, all the while learning coping skills and methods to be able to eventually handle more. Just as my mental health has improved, so too have my executive functioning skills, and (knock on wood) I haven’t had any more backslides. Today, Lucas and I are clean, clothed, well-rested, and fed every day; my home is staying tidier than ever; and the bottom of my laundry basket is visible for the first time in literal years. We’re still on a steady diet of take-out and microwave meals, and the vacuum and mop have cobwebs, but one step at a time!

If I wasn’t clear enough, that means as I’ve been focusing on myself and my mental health, I will be fully transparent and say I haven’t been able to work on anything pony/plush related since my last notification.  I’ve also long since given up on saving face by attempting to establish even the most loosely estimated timeline for my embarrassingly long backlog of commissions. I don’t deserve your patience or forgiveness, nor will I accept it should you have it. All I can say is, “Hey, I’m alive; no, I haven’t forgotten about your commissions; and I hope to have progress for you soon.”

EquinePalette

Last time I left you guys, I talked about my severe backslide with my mental health and Lucas's struggles, as well as my difficult decision over BronyCon. Well, Lucas is doing great! His acid reflux is really under control now, and he hasn't really had any health issues otherwise. My physical health is finally back in order (my blood pressure has been high today, specifically, but not surprising given my enormous guilt over BronyCon...) My mental health... not so much. I'm now on a low dose of methylphenidate (Ritalin) as of today after trying bupropion (Welbutrin) for awhile and also trying a neurofeedback-like research study with no success. I'll be titrating my dose with my psychologist over the next few months and hopefully end up gaining a sense of normal on the meds. If Ritalin doesn't work, I'll be looking into weaning my son a little earlier than I'd like (but hopefully still have enough breastmilk for 6 more months) and trying some of the other medications out there. I'm doubly hoping they kick in soon and help my executive functioning because I'm headed back to college! Nursing school, here I come!

(Genuinely,) I hope everyone is having fun at BronyCon! In my last journal I mentioned I wouldn't be going, and I've had to silence all social media surrounding it. (So... I'll be quickly [x]'ing out of any comments regarding it... sorry.)  I'm am in tremendous debt with medical bills at this point after Lucas's NICU stay and my numerous health problems as of late, and so many of my artist friends were going to BronyCon that I kept on hearing updates about the attendance, and seeing everyone’s stock slowly increasing and... I know I would have been near suicidal had I attempted it, and perpetually disappointed every day at the con thinking of all the things I COULD have made... but knowing the profit I’m missing out on due to my own failings... it has made me physically nauseous and was putting me close to that dark place anyway. I had to take a step back to keep myself from dwelling on how much of a failure I feel like. I'm still struggling with those feelings even now, and have admittedly cried more than once over it all. But, I'm sure I'll slowly come to terms with it over time--I've just gotta stay in hiding for a few more months until any hype over it dies down. The last thing I need right now is hearing how awesome it was and how much money everyone made.

On a happier note, as you may have noticed, I am starting to upload finished commissions! Yay! Even if it's slow, it's progress, nonetheless. I'm taking things one step at a time and I'm still adamant about finishing what I've got on my plate before making more. Even if that means the fandom is long gone by the time I do. I may take small creative "breaks" here and there to do things of my own choosing like make more patterns to sell on my etsy for extra income, but I'm really pushing myself to continue working. I hope you all stick around and continue supporting my work through your kind words and feedback!

Here's to August!

I have struggled with this decision all month, and it truly breaks my heart to do this, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it to BronyCon for the final year.

I’ve still got all the fabric cut and files made for the ponies (and others) I planned to make, so hopefully I can create them in the future, and anyone that claimed a plush will still have the opportunity to purchase it. (And I’ll still honor that $50 credit for my current commissioners in some way.) But, I won’t be taking money for pre-orders, and I won’t be at the con to deliver any plushies, commissions or otherwise. And... I won’t be there to see any of your lovely faces for the final time, either. I’m not coming at all. Even as an attendee.

I know you don’t need an explanation, and it’s all okay and you understand, but a wall of text for clarity, if you care to read (it’s a lot so buckle up):
- I have no vacation time to take off work because I chewed through every bit of it (and my sick time) on unpaid maternity leave, and there’s no way I can get enough shifts swapped to cover all the days of the con with the way our schedule works and how understaffed we are
- All my hormones that had miraculously regulated my brain started fading at the beginning of this month, and finally completely disappeared about a week ago, so my supremely dysfunctional ADHD symptoms (oh yeah, that’s the thing I’ve been dealing with my whole life that I mentioned in my last journal, btw) came back in full force accompanied by a huge black hole of postpartum depression and anxiety, all of which I was able to get access to a psychologist and attempted to start medicating 3 weeks ago but have yet to find the right medications in the right concentrations that are also safe for breastfeeding and get it under control
- All of THAT (plus parenthood and work) leading to me being unable to get any of my commissions done which I feel obligated to finish before I do stuff for BronyCon, so I have literally 4 weeks to con with nothing done (commissions or con stock, like I mentioned)
- The prospect of traveling, room and boarding, working the convention, and pumping [breastmilk] with a 3 month old in tow
- And dealing with ALL of THAT while being unsure about what the next month holds as far as my mental health, physical health, and Lucas’s health goes (Lucas has been dealing with really bad acid reflux and other gastrointestinal issues which caused him to scream for hours on end for the first few weeks of this month until we started getting it somewhat under control recently; and I ran myself into the ground and had a hospital visit about 3 weeks ago from chronic exhaustion and severe anemia (due to the blood loss from my pretty traumatic birth experience) causing extremely high blood pressure, elevated liver enzymes, and bouts of near syncopal episodes (nearly blacking out multiple times)...

I think it’s all just too much. It kills me to not go to the last BronyCon ever, and I’ll probably regret it in the future, but I just don’t see it happening without my health taking a detrimental blow from the stress of it all.

Anyway. Yeah. I’m 99.9% sure (unless something crazy happens and solved all those problems in the next few DAYS) I’m not going to make it. It’s going to be all I can do to keep my life together and get commissions done in the next few MONTHS. I thought I could handle it all, and there for awhile, it felt like I could.  But I’m slowly learning to admit and acknowledge when I just can’t do it all, and to put down the shovel and stop digging deeper this hole I’ve found myself in, cut my losses, and move on.

Thanks for taking the time to read my word vomit if you made it this far. Grab the popcorn and stick with me. I’ll keep you updated on the crazy mess that is my life.